Is it really?

"It's going to be ok"   Words spoken meaning to comfort..... Instead they broke my heart a little bit more...

Today I found out that my dream of being a mother is not to be... all the signs pointed to it, I finally allowed myself a small glimmer of hope after 9 months of expecting and being disappointed.... and yet, it seems I am destined to continue to hold babies that are not mine.... to see smiles meant for their mamas, to love them and send them home... 

I long to scream, to rant... how is it fair that women who regard their babies as "burdens to be discarded" can get pregnant and I can not?

Everywhere I look people are sharing secret glances with the one they love, or glowing with "that glow", or holding babies in their arms....

And knowing better, I can't help but feel overwhelmed by loneliness for the husband that God blessed me with, but who I rarely see, or emptiness that threatens to crush me as month after month goes by with no little bundle on the way....

This song has been running almost non-stop today...

"I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why, 

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gona need You

No matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You, no matter what, no matter what. I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter"

                                                                                             by Kerrie Roberts

So in spite of the pain, I must  trust that He is in control..... and it IS going to be OK........Really....