Holding On...

Here I sit, in the house-that-love-built, counting my blessings in the midst of this "valley"...

I know that life cannot always be sunshine, rain must fall to make rainbows.... but really how long can this "rain" last?  It seems hard to believe so much has happened in the course of just this past year... marriage, living apart, giving up my house, business etc to move to Sodom, getting sick, and now coming home to an empty house and equally empty business, to lie in bed night after night longing for the best of me which lies far away with him....

To say the past couple weeks have been rough is kind of an understatement.... I have felt battered around like a tornado that picks me up and whirls me around at will... I have been holding onto the knowledge that God knows how much I can handle and will never, ever give me more than that...

But I must admit when my wonderful hubby showed up this past weekend to try and save my sanity, I was estatic... until.....

He approached the subject gently with all the care and love he has.... but there was no way to shield my heart from the blow.... He asked me if I would pray about him applying for a position that would mean a move.  A real - yank up roots, sell my house-that-love-built - move.

So I have cried, and struggled and struggled and cried some more... and in the end it comes down to this... Did I mean the words I spoke almost a year ago.... Two hearts becoming one, where He goes, I will go...

In my previous marriage, I hastily gave up everything... school, apartment, family heirlooms even, to follow one who misused that trust.  Now here I am again, being asked to consider giving, up things that I hold dear, for love...  But this time to a man who is worthy of my trust and will never intentionally bring me pain.  Although his question was painful and the coming to be willing is painful, and scary.... I must....
So instead of clutching tightly to my life as I know it, I am going instead to hold on to the man that I love, and more importantly, to the God that loves me.

And I will hold onto the blessings in my life - The rainbows that have been given after previous rainy seasons.  Can't wait to see what this one will look like!

Is it really?

"It's going to be ok"   Words spoken meaning to comfort..... Instead they broke my heart a little bit more...

Today I found out that my dream of being a mother is not to be... all the signs pointed to it, I finally allowed myself a small glimmer of hope after 9 months of expecting and being disappointed.... and yet, it seems I am destined to continue to hold babies that are not mine.... to see smiles meant for their mamas, to love them and send them home... 

I long to scream, to rant... how is it fair that women who regard their babies as "burdens to be discarded" can get pregnant and I can not?

Everywhere I look people are sharing secret glances with the one they love, or glowing with "that glow", or holding babies in their arms....

And knowing better, I can't help but feel overwhelmed by loneliness for the husband that God blessed me with, but who I rarely see, or emptiness that threatens to crush me as month after month goes by with no little bundle on the way....

This song has been running almost non-stop today...

"I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why, 

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gona need You

No matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You, no matter what, no matter what. I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter"

                                                                                             by Kerrie Roberts

So in spite of the pain, I must  trust that He is in control..... and it IS going to be OK........Really....

Today I remember... far, far away...

Today my thoughts, prayers and memories are of people that I love so much, of people I long to be able to hold and offer comfort to, people trying to cope with the loss of a woman that we all held dear... My Aunt Georgia was a truly wonderful person who loved her family and everyone around her!

My family has always been close with family reunions each year etc - my childhood memories are filled with good times together and yet I now find myself trapped so far away from them. I never dreamed that the border between my homes would close and trap me on the wrong side in times like these, but alas, the world changed and travel is no longer an easy thing. Now there are many hoops to jump through just to be able to go home... hoops that take time and money... Neither of which is conducive to times of emergency...

So today I must be content with facebook msgs that feel empty and tears that I will shed alone. As I remember... far, far away...

Obituary for Georgia Phillips
PHILLIPS, Georgia:

Peacefully at Ross Memorial Hospital, Lindsay with her family at her side on Sunday September 12, 2010. Georgia Phillips (nee Parrington) in her 80th year was the beloved wife of Brandt Phillips of Bobcaygeon. Dear mother of Paul Phillips and his fiancee Louise Lavere, Nancy and her husband Rick Alston, James and his wife Georgina Phillips all of Bobcaygeon. Lovingly remembered by her grandchildren Lance, Lindsey, Erin, Lauren, and her great grandchildren Olivia Grace, Ella Georgia. Survived by her sister June and her husband Bruce Stewart of Cobourg. The family of Mrs. Phillips will receive friends at JARDINE FUNERAL HOME, CREMATION & TRIBUTE CENTRE, 8 Princes' St. West, Fenelon Falls, on Tuesday from 7-9 p.m. Funeral service from Fenelon Falls Baptist Church, 80 Colborne St. Fenelon Falls on Wednesday September 15, 2010 at 11 a.m. Interment at Fenelon Falls Cemetery. Memorial donations to the Parkinson Foundation or Ross Memorial Hospital, Palliative Care Unit, would be appreciated by the family. On line condolences, memorial donations, or to light a memorial candle please visit www.jardinefuneralhome.com

Truly Thankful!

I have entered the new world... of twitter... and have found a wonderful community of ladies that desire, like myself to be more like HIM! I love my job, but is also very isolating and doesn't allow for many "friends"... These ladies are quickly becoming extremely important - not just as something cool to read, but as real women who struggle with the same issues I do and are willing to share the journey. Some of my faves include:
http://www.halleethehomemaker.com/
http://www.krististephens.com/
http://scripturedig.com/
http://www.pleasingtoyou.com/

I am so thankful for all of the above! They are huge blessings in my little life!!

When your heart breaks...

Just got off the phone with my son's assist.principle.
She called to inform me that my son was threatened at school today.
WHAT? YOU ARE KIDDING RIGHT? That's what went through my mind in the brief seconds before I calmly continued our conversation...

"A" mentioned some bullying last year at school and we tried to tell the teacher etc..., but I never felt like it got dealt with. Now a new kid - 7 days into a new school year - is threatening him? I want to protect him, but there is the flip side that I have to admit to myself... our son is no angel himself in this department - he has made threats as well.

After hanging up the phone, I frantically called my hubby who is at work and busy, and did not answer his phone, then it dawned on me... I forgot to ask God for wisdom today and my day has been a mess all day... I lost $100 due to a stupid choice and the baby that I watch has been screaming most of the day with colic and then this final straw... my baby (although not really) being threatened...

As I ran to God with the heartbreaks of my day I realized He is here, is still holding me and will give me the wisdom/strength I need even if I forget to ask...

What an awesome God He is... even in this heartbreak!