After the Darkness.....

I could not believe it when I commented on a friends blog this morning and was reminded that I too had a blog that has been sorely neglected over the past year. BIG TIME BLUSH :-(

I could give a myriad of reasons why I was too busy with moving, adjusting etc... but the truth is I had nothing to share with anyone because I allowed my tank to run dry. Plain and simple.

Last Feb, our family made what we envisioned to be a great move to "Sweet Home Alabama". We were finally going to get to be together under one roof instead of being an "every other weekend" family. I had such high hopes....

Then reality set in.... Our small town in AL is one of those towns where everyone knows each other and they don't really need "outsiders".... So every attempt I made at building friendships felt like slamming my head against a brick wall. Not fun for even a second...

Then with no support system in place, the bottom fell out of our family life and I discovered that fantasy I had about the perfect family life was not going to become reality. Instead I got pain that threatened to overwhelm and crush me. Pain that lasted for months on end....

I knew in my head that I should turn to God to see me though this time and honestly I tried, but it was with a heart that also accused God of not really caring about me....
Depression settled in and I felt myself drowning...

So what has changed that I now, after literally months of hell, see the light? My circumstances haven't changed dramatically for the better although they are slowly getting better.... What changed was me.... I finally came to place of truly letting go and embracing the darkness as God's plan for my life. Was it easy? Not even close. It was pain like I have never felt before. But once I let go, there is peace... Like the first glimmers of daybreak after the darkness....

Psalm 30:5 "The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter." MSG

Better to Give?

Yesterday I had THE most FABULOUS day!  I spent the day assembling and shipping my Christmas gift - yup I bought, assembled and mailed my own gift this Christmas.

This past year has been very eye-opening to me in many ways.  One of my biggest realizations was just how difficult it is to be a military family.  Although my hubby is not active, we still face many of the same struggles: - separation, living on a base etc....  This led me on a journey to find a support system to help "get me through" this period of our lives and what a wonderful "system" I found.  My first discovery was a woman I have come to admire greatly - Hallee writes a blog that is truly an inspiration to me (link below) and through her blog I have connected with other military wives as well....

A few weeks ago, Halle wrote about sending care packages to military personnel overseas. ( link here )

It really hit home for me and the more I thought about it, the more I had to do it!  So when the money from our escrow account came in and my hubby asked me to start thinking about what I wanted for Christmas it was simple..... I wanted to pick a soldier and give him my gift this Christmas.

I used Anysoldier.com as Hallee suggested and began my search for "our soldier"... After a whole day of searching for "the one" I found him - he has the same name (except last) as my hubby and also works in the same branch of service.  He is currently forward deployed waiting for his ship to come pick him up.  At that point he will be stuck under the ocean in VERY tight quarters with the few men and woman on his team for months on end...

I wrestled - probably making things much harder than necessary as is typical with my type "A" personality LOL - with what to put in his Christmas Care package,  There are so many things that he goes without on a daily basis that we take for granted and I wanted to give him it all, but postage rates and our budget obviously would not allow.... So I went to Sam's and checked things off my list - a tiny feeling of joy began as I thought about each purchase and imagined them brightening his day!

Yesterday I had only one kiddo in my home daycare so that provided the perfect opportunity to assemble and ship my gift.  We were one of the first through the door at the post office to figure out how to get the package over there and finally decided on 2 big flat rate boxes.... Then I rushed home to pack....
That tiny feeling of joy bubbled over as I began to pack and repack the boxes to make the most of each little crevice so our soldier would have the most I could give him.....  Before long tears were streaming down my cheeks and I sent an email to my hubby to warn him not to call on his lunch break as I was an emotional mess and knew he would not want to deal with that..... But is was good emotion - it was JOY!  The purest joy that comes from giving knowing full well that nothing will come in return.  This man that will get my gift - hopefully in time for Christmas - has given up everything and put his own wants and needs aside to do something great for all of us!  So in reality I do get something material in return - freedom and safety for me and my family!

But even if that were not the case, if I got nothing in return - I experienced the power of giving yesterday and the little package under our Christmas tree that contains the customs forms for our care packages will serve as a constant reminder as the holiday season continues..... that it truly IS better to give than receive!

My Voice...

It has been a while since the last post... life has been crazy...
I could not however keep silent today....

Normally my lawyer hubby is the one with a very strong opinion about companies he will/will not support.  I just see something I need/want and buy it with very little thought to the far reaching consequences my actions may have.

That all has been changing over the past few days as I have watched the firestorm that is #amazonfail.

I am an Amazon Kindle owner - my sweet hubby bought it for my birthday so I have had it for only a couple months, but already there are over 45 titles on it and I use it everyday.....  So when I found out that Amazon was selling a how-to guide re pedophilia I had mixed feelings.  I am an educator of children and will NEVER stand by while any harm could come to a precious little one, however I LOVE my kindle....  I was faced with a moral dilemma.  I called Amazon, and voiced my complaint and was happy to see the book taken off the site, but was nagged by the thought of it being enough.  Was my voice REALLY heard?

After much soul-searching and watching the apparent apathy from Amazon regarding this whole issue, I had to conclude that my voice was not really heard - that the only way to get Amazon to listen was with my bigger voice - the almighty dollar.  Do I relish the thought of deleting my account with Amazon - no!  But for me it is a MUST do in order to take a stand for the safety of children everywhere, for the safety of my own little guy!

My Voice...... will be heard!

Flowers from Heaven

 I was NOT gifted with a green thumb.  I try to grow things and end up killing them most of the time.  The one thing that I have found that I am miraculously unable to destroy is this gift from heaven.  LITERALLY - it was a gift....

I must back up about seven years to share this gift.  My life was a wreck - I was a single mom, still in America illegally aka unable to work and was struggling to raise my little guy - then a cute one year old.

I was invited to attend a Bible Study for single moms.  I went, not really too enthused about the whole thing, only to find out the topic of the day was trust.  Now, understand, God gave me my name for a reason - to be a much needed, constant reminder to trust Him.  So there I was, sitting in this Bible study, my life in shambles, and God says again "TRUST ME".

At the end of Bible Study they gave each mom a styrofoam cup full of dirt with one tiny leaf in it... They said the leaf was from a teddy bear plant and as we watched it grow, we would be reminded of God's provision in our lives.  I thought "Ya, right!  Mine will be dead by the end of the week..."

But miraculously, it wasn't, and before I knew it there were pots of teddy bear plants on every windowsill in my apt, and then I started giving it away I had so much...

At first, it was just leaves until one morning during a particularly trying week, a tiny purple flower appeared....   Purple is my favorite color...  It was as if God himself had sent me a special delivery!  A reminder that He would see me through.  I started calling them my hope flowers and it truly seemed as if they would bloom exactly on days when I needed them most, and then,by nightfall, they would close up and be gone....

These flowers have moved with me to the house-that-love-built, and then again to Key West, and are now back at the house-that-love-built.  During my entire time in Key West there were no hope flowers and for the past two months that I have been back home, no hope flowers...  Until today!!

Today the God of the Universe sent me flowers... from heaven... to remind me... He has good plans for my life! 


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Never forget the gift...

I must say, my hubby is truly a gift...
He drove over 8 hours in the middle of the night last Thursday to get home after a VERY long work week, then got up, still dead tired and surprised our son with lunch at school.  We had an incredible weekend together before he had to leave again this am...

I know I have been guilty...... of taking blessings for granted....  maybe this is the Father's plan in keeping us apart this first year of our married life.  That I would learn this vital lesson. 

I know what it is like to mourn for secret glances between spouses at school events, to see couples snuggled close during church as I sit alone.  I also know the greatest joy in the brief moments my hubby and I get to share. 

I pray that when the time comes and our family can finally live together under one roof, I will never lose sight of the blessing - to never allow a toothpaste tube to be something worth an argument, not look at the "honey do" list with frustration, to not take precious moments for granted...

But instead, to remember these long, lonely hours yearning for him to be home to brush his teeth, for him to be home lying on the couch instead of tackling household projects, to share a smile across the room...

May I never forget...

Holding On...

Here I sit, in the house-that-love-built, counting my blessings in the midst of this "valley"...

I know that life cannot always be sunshine, rain must fall to make rainbows.... but really how long can this "rain" last?  It seems hard to believe so much has happened in the course of just this past year... marriage, living apart, giving up my house, business etc to move to Sodom, getting sick, and now coming home to an empty house and equally empty business, to lie in bed night after night longing for the best of me which lies far away with him....

To say the past couple weeks have been rough is kind of an understatement.... I have felt battered around like a tornado that picks me up and whirls me around at will... I have been holding onto the knowledge that God knows how much I can handle and will never, ever give me more than that...

But I must admit when my wonderful hubby showed up this past weekend to try and save my sanity, I was estatic... until.....

He approached the subject gently with all the care and love he has.... but there was no way to shield my heart from the blow.... He asked me if I would pray about him applying for a position that would mean a move.  A real - yank up roots, sell my house-that-love-built - move.

So I have cried, and struggled and struggled and cried some more... and in the end it comes down to this... Did I mean the words I spoke almost a year ago.... Two hearts becoming one, where He goes, I will go...

In my previous marriage, I hastily gave up everything... school, apartment, family heirlooms even, to follow one who misused that trust.  Now here I am again, being asked to consider giving, up things that I hold dear, for love...  But this time to a man who is worthy of my trust and will never intentionally bring me pain.  Although his question was painful and the coming to be willing is painful, and scary.... I must....
So instead of clutching tightly to my life as I know it, I am going instead to hold on to the man that I love, and more importantly, to the God that loves me.

And I will hold onto the blessings in my life - The rainbows that have been given after previous rainy seasons.  Can't wait to see what this one will look like!

Is it really?

"It's going to be ok"   Words spoken meaning to comfort..... Instead they broke my heart a little bit more...

Today I found out that my dream of being a mother is not to be... all the signs pointed to it, I finally allowed myself a small glimmer of hope after 9 months of expecting and being disappointed.... and yet, it seems I am destined to continue to hold babies that are not mine.... to see smiles meant for their mamas, to love them and send them home... 

I long to scream, to rant... how is it fair that women who regard their babies as "burdens to be discarded" can get pregnant and I can not?

Everywhere I look people are sharing secret glances with the one they love, or glowing with "that glow", or holding babies in their arms....

And knowing better, I can't help but feel overwhelmed by loneliness for the husband that God blessed me with, but who I rarely see, or emptiness that threatens to crush me as month after month goes by with no little bundle on the way....

This song has been running almost non-stop today...

"I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why, 

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gona need You

No matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You, no matter what, no matter what. I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter"

                                                                                             by Kerrie Roberts

So in spite of the pain, I must  trust that He is in control..... and it IS going to be OK........Really....